Random Man in a Hoodie

Last night, I did a gig. It was the first time I did a proper, run of the mill, mundane, no perks, open mic night. I've done organised gigs before, and I've done festival shows. But this was the first time I had ever just rocked up to some pub, where no one knew me, got up for five minutes, got down and that was it. There was nothing more to this night, a four hour travel for five minutes of desperation. I can't believe I actually choose to do this.

I guess not many people talk about their first open mic night. It's usually a horrible experience. It's a common thing for the first open mic night to destroy a person. YAY COMEDY! It's the reason why I have put of doing the open mic circuit so much. The stories I hear from friends; the deafening silence, the awkward crowds and the sole crushing gigging. Comedy was the thing that was fun and made me feel great. So to know that comedy will one day be the thing that destroys me, you know, that doesn't sound awfully appealing thank you very much. But it had reached a point, where if I wanted to be a professional, I needed to man up and just do it (because I am quite the man).

The gig went well, people came up to me afterwards and said so, which is why I do this I guess. But that doesn't make me feel any better about my material, nor will it console me in future gigs. When you're off to the side of the stage, and your name gets called out, all your confidence falls out your ass and you're just left with all the voices in your head that say "you're not funny". Which is just a lovely feeling. I'm making very broad statements here. Experienced comics grow out of this and I guess maybe one day I won't feel like this every time I get on stage, but at this stage in my ... comedy career I guess you'd call it ... there nerves rule me. Because I just don't want to die ... I just really want people to like me.

I think I know I'll die one day on stage, and I think that's something I have to make my peace with. I think I know that people will not like me, but that's something I don't want to make my peace with. I think I know that this is going to be a long road. I think I know that this will destroy me, in pretty much every way possible.

But for some reason, that random man in a hoodie coming up to you after in the bar saying "hey mate, great gig, I loved your stuff" is oddly enough to get me through for now.